Cracking the crux - Alex Honnold has given me another realisation.

Earlier today, when I was emailing an old post entitled Alex Honnold's epiphany-inducing climbing style, I clicked on the second video in that post, for 'ol times sake, and I had another realisation. 

Around the 2-minute mark in the video, Alex says (not word-for-word quotations in blue below as this is a hurried post but the statements are reasonably close):

You know...you commit, you think I’m doing this, here I go. But then after a couple of hours of being all committed, you're like...man I'm tired, and your mind starts to get a little bit tired. So I started to stall, and I started to doubt if I was doing alright. Why am I even here? Do I even want to do this? 

When I heard the above paragraph, I realised that I had been feeling that way for the past few weeks. It didn't help that I had a relapse of the physical malaise I experienced last year, except this time it was more intense and accompanied with somewhat painful spasms. But I could fight through the physical tiredness and pain, annoying but workable. It was the mental fatigue that really wore my spirits down.

I started to ask similar questions. 

I wondered if I had it in me to create the new products. I wondered if I was capable of making my business a success. I wondered if I was capable of making anything a success. I started to doubt if I could create anything useful at all.

And I started to wonder, "why am I even here?"

Then in video, Mark Jenkins says:

And then he overcame it, he didn’t work that route a hundred times, he just got up, looked up and believed, absolutely believed, that it was well within his ability.

I don't know if I absolutely believed (and I still have lapses of self-doubt) but anyway, I looked up and believed just enough in my ability to build this damn company that I got up and pushed on.

And I relate to the last statement too:

In the past few months I’ve sort of embraced the whole experience, embraced the unpleasant parts too, it’s kinda cool to just look around and enjoy the exposure and be like this is why I am here. This is awesome.

I think my newfound ability to embrace the crappy parts along with the good is perhaps what really sustained me last week. And it's continuing to get me through the tough days. Maybe the meditation that I've been doing every day for the past few months is paying off and I'm now able to look around, enjoy the exposure and appreciate the journey a whole lot more than I ever did.

And even with all the cash flow anxieties, the difficulties of producing stuff from scratch on my own and my struggles to clear my sometimes foggy mind, I'll admit that it is awesome to create and work on something you believe in.

This is why I'm here.

Bits and bobs and bowler hats.

Yesterday, the buzzer rang at my flat, which admittedly is not an unusual, or terribly interesting, occurance (and certainly not worth mentioning in a blog). But this time, there were two fit young men (which frankly is enough of a story in itself) who had come to hand-deliver the lovely bowler hat shown below (I live with a design journalist) as part of an invitation to some fancy opening at Harrods.

Anyway, speaking of a special delivery of news, albeit with just a picture of bowler hat...I now have a (work) blog! So if you're interested in how we make decisions or interested in psychology, behavioural economics and neuroscience in general, do check it out here:

http://quintessentialconsulting.co.uk/how-to-make-better-decisions/

The rest of the site will be up later in the year but I'll be blogging and reviewing/discussing books regularly in the meantime. Please do let me know what you think if you have a moment!

This blog will continue to have my random observations and ramblings so you can keep subscribing/coming back if you're still enjoying it.

Dove Real Beauty Sketches - You feel as beautiful as your mother made (makes) you feel?

You've probably seen the video below, or if you haven't actually watched it, it's likely that you've seen it shared in various places. This morning, despite my hesitance to voluntarily watch an advert, I decided the virus had won and I watched it too.

Even as a fairly cynical person, I thought it was quite nicely put together and the overall message is a pretty decent one. Sure, the artist may have, consciously or unconsciously, made the drawings based on the other person's description slightly nicer. And sure, it is quite likely that after a positive interaction with someone (as opposed to even a neutral one) we are likely to remember that person's physical features more positively. And even if we had noticed their less attractive features, the majority of us would be too polite to point these observations using critical words when asked by another stranger to describe this new person (and we're even less likely to do so with a video camera recording our descriptions unless perhaps we were on a reality TV show and wanted to get attention.

I do agree that women are possibly more critical of their own physical appearance (though both men and women in many cultures still place greater emphasis on a woman's appearance in terms of her desirability compared to a man's appearance and his desirability so maybe it's not that surprising this is the case).

I currently have orthodontic braces and a number of friends commented that they hadn't noticed my teeth being particularly crooked before and asked why I'd done it. And it's primarily because my mother* reminded me about my wonky teeth recently when I changed my Facebook photo for the first time in 6 years. And these wonky teeth had been commented upon all my life by a handful of people.

*who is otherwise a really generous and kind person

Perhaps, the other reason for my friends' surprise at my decision to have braces is that I'm not a particularly image-conscious or fashionable person; I very rarely wear make-up, my hairstyle is "wash-and-go" and I usually take as long as the average guy to get dressed and leave the house. 

Well, I was prompted to think this morning after I watched the video if one of the reasons why I'm uninterested in my appearance is because my flaws were frequently pointed out to me when I was young and so over the years in an effort to avoid literally* facing them, I reduced the amount of time that I have to look at myself to a minimum.

*I get excited when I get to use literally in a literal way

Of course, none of this might be the case and I've simply been an especially sensitive 'ol soul who lacked confidence as a kid and what our mothers say to us when we're growing up has little influence on our self-image. Nevertheless, I rather like this statement from the whole hearted parenting manifesto:

You will learn that you are worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me practice self-compassion and embrace my own imperfections.

The beautiful magic of Ricky Jay - trailer of new documentary: Deceptive Practice.

This man's ability to "play" with playing cards is breathtaking. And his shows are almost like a play, in fact a number of his shows are directed by David Mamet. 

He also takes the act of practising and perfecting something to an inspiring level.

In the trailer above he says:

"The real key to learning is almost like the sensei master relationship in the martial arts. The way you wanna learn is by someone that you respect showing you something."

It's funny because this year I've come across so many things that have made some variation of that point to me. (Though maybe it's just the "red car" effect.)

His statement is particularly interesting because the other variations didn't mention "someone you respect" and I'm wondering if that bit is part of the missing puzzle why I sometimes learn better than other times. I suppose in terms of respect, I do have extra respect and admiration for people who are not only great at their amazing skill but can also explain how to do it plainly and simply because they've figured out all the component parts.

Anyway, I'm definitely looking forward to the documentary. Here's a much more in-depth article with some example performances as well.

How much does it cost to buy a car in Singapore in 2013? The permit to buy a car now starts at a surprisingly low price of £34000.

My previous post "How much does it cost to buy a car in Singapore? The permit alone costs up to £45,000" is one of the biggest draws to this blog (besides Tom Brady half-naked of course) so I thought I'd follow up with another post. (For readers who are new to this blog, my writing is intrinsically facetious so feel free to apply a tone of sarcasm/playfulness as appropriate). 

I'm also inspired to write a follow-up because my parent's car is bound for the scrap-heap this year - it's a perfectly functional car that's very well-maintained. But the renewal fee (known as the Prevailing Quota Premium (PQP)- a 3-month moving average of the premium for each category) is simply not affordable. 

Here's an article from the main newspaper in Singapore on 27 March 2013: The Straits Times showing the history of prices.

On the one hand there are the Singaporeans (or expats living there) who bring to mind the Beverley Hillbillies, nouveau riche with more money than sense (or taste). For instance the apartment below that includes a parking space in your sitting room - video below if you want to see how you get the car into your apartment.

It's cringe worthy and tacky enough to have your car next to your sofa but it's even more peculiar that you have to drive your car into a car lift, get out of the car and take a passenger lift up (presumably not a communal lift because that would truly downgrade the exclusivity of the "batman" experience). You'd think the design would allow you to at least reduce the number of steps from your car to your armchair to a health-enhancing (and lucky) 8 steps, right?

And on the other hand, there are regular folk like my parents for whom a car is arguably quite handy* but are priced out of being able to keep their trusty vehicle. 

*My dad is very ill (one solution would be to book a taxi each time they need to go any non-walkable distance from the flat as even waiting for a taxi is not feasible given that the heat and humidity of the country can be quite harsh for frail people).

Otherwise, I think the Singapore's public transport system is constantly improving and the necessity for a car is decreasing for any healthy, able-bodied person and so a luxury tax on owning one makes some sense.

In any case, I'm glad that I have no need for a car even though London's delays-a-plenty transport system does make me tut now and again. Here is a terrific page of new, old and wacky London Underground maps.

The warm up is over. Training for Tough Mudder begins today.

I know...wouldn't it be great if that were chocolate instead of mud?

I'm all signed-up for the Tough Mudder near London in June 2013 and I've been working to get some base level of fitness back for the past month.

Now, with only about two months ago I suppose I better get on my way with some proper boot camp training!

This obstacle looks like it's going to be tough. I'm like a T-rex when it comes to arm strength compared to leg strength. And sadly my figure at the moment is not too dissimilar to a T-Rex either.

All in all, somewhat less than ideal for this stage.

So the recommended training for this is to do pull-ups. At the moment I'm averaging at about 0.4 of a pull-up, so saying there's a steep training curve ahead is a severe understatement.

There are also free-hanging rope climbs (I don't even have fond memories of being able to do this as a child), glacier ski jumps, spider web climbs, running on ground that's on fire (I suppose if one needs motivation to move faster, this would help), crawling through thick mud under barbed wire and running up slippery quarter-pipes.

But of course none of the above is really crazy.

The fact that we paid money to do this with no coercion is where the insanity lies.

Right enough blogging, I have arms that I need to exhaust till they scream for mercy.

Acceptance - redux.

Over a year ago I posted about acceptance. And last week the notion entered my mind again. Since the beginning of 2013, two of my priorities have been to be kinder to myself and to allow more time to connect with my emotions. (Priorities that I would previously deemed as crazy when there are important goals to focus on).

When reflecting on how I've been doing this year, I realised the extent to which my struggles with progress prior to 2013 were probably linked to my inability to accept the present. At any given moment, I was unable to see things as they actually were because I was too ashamed or guilt-ridden or frightened to face my own mental whipping. By being kinder to myself, I am now not afraid (of myself!) and can now see the present as it is.

In the past I was also afraid that if I accepted things then I would be stuck in whatever ugly state I was in. In essence, I suppose I mistook acceptance for resignation. Sorry, my Engrish not so good.

Since accepting the present, I see it as a starting point. (Of course!) I *needed* to know how things are because that allows me to honestly assess what needs to change and how to possibly bring about change. It's the sort of thing that's blindingly obvious but I nevertheless had a mental block about it.

For instance, I needed to accept that I had gained weight - months of being ill and over a year of reduced activity meant that my fitness was at a new low. Being able to accept this added to, not reduced, my resilience (which I definitely needed because it's been hard work so far!).

Acceptance, instead of shame, also means that I'm now comfortable with measuring my progress. With my fitness plan, I'm using myzonemoves to measure my effort levels and myfitnesspal to record what I eat. (The programmes each have their flaws but are both good enough for what I need right now).

And I was also comfortable with having some "before exercise" photos taken just in case I forget how I looked when I started. One of the other problems with not accepting the present moment is that I struggle with celebrating progress. I used to reject any progress that was deemed "insignificant". And of course "insignificant" is a loose term that could be expanded to include whatever progress I had made. 

Now that I'm able to accept each small progress, no matter how seemingly insignificant, I've cumulatively made more progress in the past month than I have in the past year. Wooh hooh!

I've come to realise that acceptance of the present is different to acceptance of the future and this distinction has been a key component to making things work. I've learned the hard way that when we fight against the present, we simply end up with the past. 

I used to fight against the present because I perhaps didn't properly accept that the present moment is a combination of what we can and cannot control - there are uncertainties that can thwart the most thorough plans. Rationally I understood this concept but emotionally I felt I should be in total zen-like control of my response, and that having an emotional response was a sign of weakness. The irony of of course is that when I relinquished my worries about what I couldn't control I have been much more relaxed and able to enjoy any given moment.

And also by being clearer on what I can and cannot control it's easier to prepare for the next moment because I can direct my energy to the areas I can control. As a result, I feel that I'm (slowly) growing stronger and hopefully better able to weather the potential storms that our uncertain life sometimes blows at us. And also better able to appreciate the sunny moments too!

I suspect there will be more on this theme from me in the coming months. I would love to hear about your relationship with acceptance - whether it is easy/obvious/natural or a struggle. Please drop me line or feel free to comment below.

"The trouble is you think you have time". Damn, that "deepity" did dig deeply into me!

So there's suggestion that the above quote is not from Buddha as is commonly thought. But nevertheless the statement has been playing on my mind quite a lot.

Firstly, it was (the obvious) interpretation - that we think we have the time in an undetermined space in the future when we can spend time with the people we love dearly, until that space is suddenly gone because they're gone.

And I've learned more recently that people not only leave through death and through the end of a relationship but they also leave us by no longer having the same mental capacity that they once had. I had not prepared myself sufficiently for this type of departure. I thought I had the time because physically the person was the same. But unfortunately, it turns out that the tumour had already begun to eat away at their brain and their character. And now I no longer have the time to communicate with the person I knew.

Secondly, I thought I had time to do more than I could do. Anyone who knows me personally knows of my (often harebrained) ideas and of projects that I embark on. And apart from a couple of truly harebrained ones, I love most my projects. I still love my cook"book", my one-click donate tool, my MMA analysis and this blog just to name a few.

I have struggled to develop any of them properly and I constantly berated myself of being ineffective. I thought I had the time to dedicate all of my time to each of those projects - as if I lived in a space of parallel time. I guess that delusion was the beginning of the trouble.

So, my new year's resolution this year (I don't make them often) is simply to simplify.

Over the course of the past month, I've let go of projects, people, things and activities - and many of them mean a lot to me. It has been painful, as well as cathartic, process.

Thirdly, I have been living as if I have the time to contribute to the world later. As if by bumbling about after work with my cook"book" or charity app, I will somehow in the future magically create something useful. I recently watched a short interview of Aaron Swartz (from about 4 years ago) and he said:

I feel as if it’s not enough to live in the world just as it is, to take what you are given and follow the things that adults told you to do and your parents told you do and society tells you to do. I think that you should always be questioning. I take this very scientific attitude, that everything you have learned is just provisional, that is always open to recantation or refutation or questioning.

And I think the same applies to society, and I felt growing up...you know I slowly had this process of realising that all the things around me that people had told me were just the natural way things were, the natural way things always would be, they weren’t natural at all, they were things that could be changed. And there were things that, more importantly, were wrong and should change, and once I realised that there was really kinda no going back. 

I relate a lot to that. I question things to the point where I find it difficult to even hold the view that things are inherently just wrong. But that's a debate for another day.

But while there was no mental going back for me since my childhood realisation (this stuff literally keeps me awake at night and sometimes throws me into spells of deep depression), I did retreat into the safety of boring jobs, and I hid by the dabbling in "after-work projects" and distracted myself with hedonistic living.

Anyway, I think with this second realisation, it is time for me to start doing my bit, however tiny and insignificant, for progress. And hopefully my recent de-cluttering will buy me some much needed time.

I don't know if the statement "the trouble is you think you have time" is merely a deepity.

And I'm aware it's also possible to equally argue "the trouble is you think you don't have time", in order to encourage people to take action.

In any case, this time I'm giving myself the time and space to develop what I'm working on, to allow myself the patience see my work go through the ugly stages, instead of ratcheting up the pressure to get positive results or to make something meaningful, useful and beautiful (though I'm definitely aiming for these things) in an unreasonably short amount of time.

Sorry for late post to start this year, I thought I had more time than I did! Well, happy Chinese New Year in advance instead and all the best for 2013.

Vulnerability at Christmas: having the courage to be compassionate with ourselves.

Since I've posted about vulnerability at Christmas for the past couple of years (2010, 2011) I thought I'd continue the practice. I've learned a lot more about vulnerability and about strength this year - 2012 has been quite challenging in many ways but in its final weeks I find that I'm not breaking but rather I feel a strangely renewed strength to face the new year.

I had a bunch of thoughts floating about which I didn't take the time to write down and now I can't remember so instead I'm going to comment on the bits of the Brene's talk that are relevant to this year. 

On courage and strength:

Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. 

I don't yet have the courage to embrace imperfection. It's funny to think of it as courage, isn't it? Surely one either accepts it or not. Being brought up in a highly competitive environment in Singapore, I think at my core is the fear that if I'm not harsh enough about my mistakes, someone else would be so I may as well (competitively) get there first. And to let that "instinct" go, leaves me feeling...well, vulnerable I suppose.

They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly.

I believed that I was capable of compassion and kindness to others but in properly meditating on this point this year, I've realised that maybe there is a perhaps unnecessary gulf in my connection with people and maybe my lack of compassion for myself might be a factor. I was debating the definitions of compassion, sympathy, empathy and pity with a good friend recently and it was interesting to find that we know so many words but have so little real understanding.

And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.

"They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were". This is an impossible task! Who am I really? How do I separate this from the person I think I should be? Sometimes (most times), I'm not sure I can tell the difference. If you have any success with this, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Anyway, happy new year to you and hope that 2013 is better than this year!

Sorry! I suppose this might make me somewhat British.

One day last year, I was hungrily hurrying between meetings so I picked up a sandwich for lunch from a supermarket and began stuffing my face with it while I walked down the street. 

I got to a small road that met with the main road that I was walking along (as commonly happens when one is walking along a road) and just as I was about to cross it, a woman started to cross from the opposite side too.

She was very clearly lost in her own thoughts and took no notice of me, which was fortunate because I like to get through the walk-and-eat process with as little attention as possible. But less fortunately she also failed to notice the taxi that was turning into the road we were both crossing. 

In an instant she was thrown on the ground and I immediately rushed to her as did the taxi driver who had worriedly leaped out of his taxi. What happened next was, I suppose, quintessentially English - she apologised to the driver for not seeing him, he apologised for not realising she was lost in her own thoughts and I apologised for having my mouth full and not being able to warn her in time. We each apologised at least three times before bashfully leaving the scene.

I was reminded of this incident when I came across number 18 in "British People Problems" on Buzzfeed today. I'm never quite sure what to say when someone asks me where I'm from but, for good or bad,  I guess I do have a fair number of British tendencies. (And yes I also apologise for not being a smoker).

I'm really looking forward to heading back to Blighty tonight, though I have to say that the lovely people I met in Swaziland (and the hotel staff in Johannesburg - I've been working so much I haven't actually left the hotel) have been very polite and quite terrific. Hopefully I'll get the chance to come back and explore the place properly and see to what degree people are apologetic here as well.