Earlier today, when I was emailing an old post entitled Alex Honnold's epiphany-inducing climbing style, I clicked on the second video in that post, for 'ol times sake, and I had another realisation.
Around the 2-minute mark in the video, Alex says (not word-for-word quotations in blue below as this is a hurried post but the statements are reasonably close):
You know...you commit, you think I’m doing this, here I go. But then after a couple of hours of being all committed, you're like...man I'm tired, and your mind starts to get a little bit tired. So I started to stall, and I started to doubt if I was doing alright. Why am I even here? Do I even want to do this?
When I heard the above paragraph, I realised that I had been feeling that way for the past few weeks. It didn't help that I had a relapse of the physical malaise I experienced last year, except this time it was more intense and accompanied with somewhat painful spasms. But I could fight through the physical tiredness and pain, annoying but workable. It was the mental fatigue that really wore my spirits down.
I started to ask similar questions.
I wondered if I had it in me to create the new products. I wondered if I was capable of making my business a success. I wondered if I was capable of making anything a success. I started to doubt if I could create anything useful at all.
And I started to wonder, "why am I even here?"
Then in video, Mark Jenkins says:
And then he overcame it, he didn’t work that route a hundred times, he just got up, looked up and believed, absolutely believed, that it was well within his ability.
I don't know if I absolutely believed (and I still have lapses of self-doubt) but anyway, I looked up and believed just enough in my ability to build this damn company that I got up and pushed on.
And I relate to the last statement too:
In the past few months I’ve sort of embraced the whole experience, embraced the unpleasant parts too, it’s kinda cool to just look around and enjoy the exposure and be like this is why I am here. This is awesome.
I think my newfound ability to embrace the crappy parts along with the good is perhaps what really sustained me last week. And it's continuing to get me through the tough days. Maybe the meditation that I've been doing every day for the past few months is paying off and I'm now able to look around, enjoy the exposure and appreciate the journey a whole lot more than I ever did.
And even with all the cash flow anxieties, the difficulties of producing stuff from scratch on my own and my struggles to clear my sometimes foggy mind, I'll admit that it is awesome to create and work on something you believe in.
This is why I'm here.